He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
