Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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