it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Randomize
