Someone shit on the floor
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
