U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
