cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
