Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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