My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
