you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
