I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
