proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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