Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
