i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
