i just wanna soil my oats bro
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
