I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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