You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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