I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
