Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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