she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
