I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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