Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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