What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
