that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Randomize
