She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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