Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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