the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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