Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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