She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
