I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Do vagina's smell?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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