I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
