we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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