I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
