he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
