also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
