The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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