I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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