2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
