Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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