What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
