this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
