That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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