Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
