Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
