I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
