Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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