I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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