this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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