there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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