y did u give ur computer a hand job?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
