I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
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