oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
What happened to fro yo and sex?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
