Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
